Feng Jin, standing in the twilight, her figure blurred. There were no stars in her eyes, nor bright moonlight. It was a windless night, and there was no sound around. Her shadow was cast obliquely on the ground, with long ripples, as if time had stopped and space had become empty. Her heart was full of empty echoes, echoing endless thoughts, empty and distant. It was an overly quiet night, like a collection of countless dead nights.
In this silence, Feng Jin did not feel lonely. She had gotten used to loneliness and even relied on it a little. Loneliness is no longer something that makes people feel painful. It is just a part of her life, just like something should take root in some place, which cannot be ignored or resisted. Feng Jin knew that loneliness was the only thing she could control, and perhaps, this was also her only connection with the world.
“Fear crushes flesh and blood” – this sentence floated into her mind. It is not unfamiliar, but it does not completely belong to her. For most people, fear comes from the outside world, it comes from some kind of threat, some kind of uncertain omen. But for Feng Jin, fear has always come from the heart. Since she realized her existence, fear has quietly taken root in her heart and gradually became a habit. She tried to break free from it, tried to forget and numb herself in various ways. But it always tightly entangled her, making her unable to escape. Fear seems to have become her way of survival. It wanders in her blood, like an incurable disease.
Feng Jin didn’t have any loud shouts, anger, or tears in her heart. She just faced it all silently and accepted it in a silent way. This is not a kind of weakness, but a kind of tenacious strength. She didn’t want to resist, but she couldn’t resist. She knew that life was a silent hurricane, and all resistance turned into dust in the ruthless wind. So, she chose silence and chose to dance with this hurricane. She didn’t choose a road that she couldn’t pass, she could only go along with the wind.
“Courage tears the chest.” This sentence does not belong to her, it belongs to those who have fantasized about bravery, and those who still dare to take risks in the dark. Feng Jin has long given up all fantasies about courage. She has long known that courage is not something that will burst out in critical moments, but a kind of strength that is constantly honed by the years. Courage is just a process. Every pain and every struggle in the process is the accumulation of courage. Feng Jin never thought that she was a courageous person. Her courage was like her past, blown away by the wind like dust.
She often wondered if she had lived without any meaning. She once doubted herself, doubted her own value of existence, and doubted whether there was really light at the end of this road. But she did not choose to give up, but continued to go on. She no longer expected anything, nor pursued anything. Her life was like a small boat floating in the water, and she didn’t know when it would hit the reef or sink. She just occasionally used her eyes to look at the lights in the distance, trying to use that little weak light to illuminate her long darkness.
“Glory baptizes the body.” Feng Jin smiled gently. She never felt that she had glory, nor did she desire it. Glory was too far away, too illusory, and even untouchable for her. She didn’t know what glory was, and she had never thought deeply about this question in her heart. For her, glory was just an external evaluation, which could not fill the emptiness in her heart. She once thought, how nice it would be if she could no longer live in this world, no longer do anything, no longer see anything, and no longer say anything. She thought about escaping, but she knew that escaping did not always bring relief. So she chose to continue living in this gap, living in the unspeakable distance between herself and the world.
“Seeds of thinking” and “manas sprouts” – these are just some details in life, or in other words, some hopes in her heart. They are not fresh, but in Feng Jin’s view, they are her way to fight against the indifference of life. She likes to find the meaning of life in the details, even if the meaning is so weak that it is almost imperceptible. She once saw a wild flower in the wilderness, blooming faintly, as if it had come by accident, but it seemed that it had never left. She hopes that she can bloom a flower of her own in this wasteland like that flower, even if it is only a moment of beauty, even if it is just an empty existence.
Feng Jin knows that she can’t change her fate, nor can she change herself. But she is still alive, like a flower swaying in the wind. She doesn’t live for tomorrow, but only for this moment. Every moment, she is looking for the reason for her existence in this desolate world. She knows that she can’t live a life as earth-shaking as those legendary figures. Her life is just an ordinary moment, as gentle as the breeze, like a ray of light in the darkness, short and insignificant. However, it is this insignificance that gives her an indescribable sense of existence in this vast world.
“Footprints of fate.” This is Feng Jin’s only direction. She knows that she can’t escape the track of fate. She has never thought of escaping, but chose to accept it. And this acceptance is her only way to inner peace. Feng Jin has no great goals, no romantic ideals, her world is small and simple. All she did was to survive, live less painfully, and try her best to find a little light in the silence. Perhaps, it was this quiet life that was her real life.